Road rules in Egypt

Here is my summary of the road rules in Egypt, as witnessed by direct observation and immersion, without one iota of exaggeration ...

All drivers:

• Your horn is your most important piece of equipment. Have it well maintained at all times because you need this to indicate every manouevre you make. No need to be quiet at night - if you stopped blaring your horn at night the locals would probably wake up due to the unusual quiet.
• Lane markings are just images painted on the road to keep a few Egyptians in work. They don't actually mean anything, so ignore them. There is always at least one more lane than indicated, even if you have to imagine it in your mind.
• Staying in lane is for cissies. It's much more interesting to change lanes as often as phyically possible, because you will shave a microsecond off that 8 hour journey. Better still, straddle the white line so you can put off your decision as long as possible, or something bigger comes up your rear.
• There is always a "third lane", even on single-lane roads. It is the imaginary space that would be there if the road were split into three instead of two. You can tell where it is by the white line separating you from oncoming traffic. Feel free to use the third lane for all overtaking manouevres.
• Because you can assume that all drivers know the whereabouts of the "third lane", it's fine to overtake on blind corners - let's hope that the oncoming vehicle is not making the same assumption.
• Wearing seatbelts is compulsory in Egypt, so remember to put yours on just before a police checkpoint.
• Why wear your lightbulbs out at night? Lights are for cissies. They are designed to be used only to get the attention of the driver ahead of you who won't make room for you as you carreen past, if your horn doesn't do it. Driving without lights on is much more fun.

If you are the driver of a large truck or bus:

• You are King of the road, so do whatever you like - you are bigger than anyone else so in the end you will survive.

If you are the driver of a car or van:

• Go as fast as you can, honking your horn at every other vehicle around you.
• Avoid all eye contact with pedestrians, or you might give the misleading impression that you care if they can cross the road.
• Never slow down for pedestrians, or you might lose your place in the traffic flow.
• BUT, never actually HIT a pedestrian, because you will lose your license.

If you are the driver of a motorbike or bicycle:

• Choose whichever side of the road you want to ride on - it doesn't really matter which, as long as you get out of everyone else's way.

If you are a pedestrian wanting to cross a road:

• Don't bother making eye contact with drivers - you don't exist until you are directly in their path.
• If you wait for cars to stop and let you across, you will die of old age on the side of the road, still waiting.
• To cross the road, purposefully step out into the traffic and KEEP GOING at all costs. Never ever think of jumping back - you will probably be killed, because the drivers are EXPECTING you to keep going and so drive accordingly.
• Don't wear black at night.
• Preferably cross in the same place as an Egyptian man - if someone runs over an Egyptian man then the world's natural order has come unstuck.
• Think how much it costs in other countries to get this much of an adrenalin-rush. Here it is free.

If you are a passenger in a vehicle:

• Pray
• As you pray, enjoy the many sights and sounds around you, and be positive - today probably isn't meant to be your last one on earth!